To Whom It May Concern:
I write to Techonosphere’s Dept. of Teledigital Communications with troubling news regarding the public prayer line recently installed on my block.
As you are well aware, though public payphones and landlines alike have long since gone out of fashion, the payphone booth as made a unique and specific comeback in providing a direct line to Our Father. I applaud Technosphere on this feat of engineering—given the high traffic of prayers, neither satellites nor angelic switchboard carriers could have possibly processed the enormous volume of calls made from personal lines. The public PrayerPhone thus provides a much needed and cost-effective alternative for the purpose of placing prayer via phone and/or multimedia messaging.
Yet while I appreciate Technosphere Inc.’s role in providing the necessary micro-fiberchord and electro-digitization/tone-of-voice-correction technology platforms for the National PrayerPhone Project, I fear that the firm has failed to ensure equal access to public prayer lines. I would like to suggest a time limit on prayers, or at least a steadily increasing rate for prayer minutes beyond five, which I believe to be more than ample time to place a heavenly appeal.
This issue of access and inequality has beset itself in very personal way upon yours truly, in a situation whereupon a man has taken up permanent residence in the brand-spanking new PrayerPhone installed on my block last month. Not wanting to incur a $500 fee for prayer interruption, I am currently forced to walk over two miles to the next nearest booth every Sunday morning while this shmuck talks off the Good Lord’s ear.
In addition to the inconvenience this causes to other prayerful customers, the situation provokes myriad philosophical questions of great importance. For example, given excess demand for prayer lines, who deserves to speak with God? Shall we decide based on need, re the progressive tax system of yore? Or should prayer minutes be appropriated based on sincerity and selflessness, blessed be the poor, the humble, the meek, and absolutely everyone who is not already condemned, in which case I’m not praying for them no sir because I don’t associate with that type. Finally, and most importantly, it raises the quesiont of who indeed does this man think his is to hog the attention of the Holy and Waxless Ear?
I have tried tapping on the window. I have tried kneeling outside the booth, praying silently (an outdated method which, as we now know, is statistically proven to yield low reception rates.) I have even arrived in ripped jeans with fake blood slathered across my delicate cheekbones, in an attempt to suggest a truly dire need of Heavenly assistance. All to no avail.
In conclusion, and in the name of equality, the Word, and all of humankind, I request that Technosphere resolve the situation immediately by ratifying a speedy-prayer incentive plan, and by possibly instituting the forcible removal of inconsiderate customers from PrayerPhone bother.
Yours in Fellowship,